How FAR Will Uwe Boll Go To Make You CRY?

Posted by Grey Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Uwe Boll is back. All freaking darkly evil and all. And I don't mean another of those abomination of an excuse of a game adaptation films is coming out anytime now.

While I totally have nothing against Til Schweiger and absolutely enjoyed his badass-ness in 'Inglourious Basterds', I am sorry to have his image in the above header for this article on Uwe Boll and his real-life rotten badass-ness. And I extend my regrets and sympathies for all those hollywood celebrities who had ever graced the posters of a Uwe Boll film.

And on this installment of Uwe Boll Alert, it would probably only be appropriate to fully address the maestro of cinematic train wrecks in its gory details.

Here's him, by the way.

An independent film director, producer and screenwriter based in Germany, Uwe Boll is a, to our misfortune, an outstandingly prolific film maker infamous for his numerous works that are adapted from video games. To sum up his pop culture achievement, he is arguably the individual who single-handedly provided the disastrous reputation that now common accompanied with any video game-to-film adaptations. (Yes, you can easily imagine hearing a GDYB (GOD Damn You Boll) chant from Jerry Bruckheimer and his team behind the recent 'Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time', which have opened with a general preconceived unfavorable view.) A brief glance at Boll's thoroughly grisly body of work: 'House of the Dead' (2003), 'Alone in the Dark' (2005), 'BloodRayne' (2005), and 'In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale' (2007). For masochist, you are recommended to watch these above mentioned films, which are regularly featured on any film critic site's top worst movie ever list, at your own risk. When rumors surfaced that Boll had expressed interest in a Metal Gear Solid movie, and claimed to have been given a script to read, Metal Gear creator Hideo Kojima responded in his audioblog HIDECHAN, "Absolutely not! I don't know why Uwe Boll is even talking about this kind of thing. We've never talked to him. It's impossible that we'd ever do a movie with him."

To add to Boll's immense notoriety, Boll has an incredible publicist: Himself. Engaged in constant verbal war with his critics, Boll has berated everyone from AintItCool's Harry Knowles to Wired magazine. These publicity stunts reached a high when Boll issued a press release stating that he would challenge his five harshest critics each to a 10-round boxing match.

A summary on this episode, better known as 'Raging Boll', courtesy of Wikipedia:

Invitations were also open to film directors Quentin Tarantino and Roger Avary. To qualify, critics had to have written two extremely negative reviews of Boll, in print or on the Web. In 2005, footage from the fights were to be included on the DVD of his upcoming film Postal. On June 20, 2006, Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka stated on Something Awful that he had been invited by Boll to be the first contestant, after Kyanka reviewed Alone in the Dark. The online gambling site decided to sponsor this event, dubbing it "Raging Boll". A lot was drawn up in late August 2006, featuring Kyanka, Rue Morgue magazine writer Chris Alexander, webmaster of Cinecutre Carlos Palencia Jimenez-Arguello, Ain't it Cool News writer Jeff Sneider and Chance Minter, amateur boxer and website critic. Boll fought and won against all five participants. The first match took place on September 5, 2006 in Málaga, Spain against Carlos Palencia. The others battled on September 23, 2006 at the Plaza of Nations in Vancouver.

After Kyanka lost his match, he would go on to make several allegations against Boll, including the fact that Boll refused to fight against Chance Minter (an amateur boxer), because he was an experienced boxer. However, Boll fought Minter as his fourth opponent. He also claimed that Boll misled them by claiming it was a PR stunt when he actually intended to fight them and that Boll claimed that the participants would get training before the match (which no one did). Boll had seriously wounded Sneider, who had also believed Boll.

Kyanka added in a post-match interview that, "Half of us (the contenders) hadn't even seen his movies."[citation needed] Sneider shared similar sentiments, stating "I think he's a jerk. This might be PR but I don't want to keep getting punched in the head." Boll has denied these claims in an interview, stating that he gave his opponents three months to prepare. Other contestants responded less negatively. Alexander, in a Toronto Star article, recounts being invited to Boll's beach house on the following day, where Boll asked him about the reasons for his unilaterally negative reviews. Alexander bluntly told Boll that his movies were "bloated, expensive and incoherent attempts at aping American genre pictures, sporting some of the most boneheaded casting choices in filmdom". He also stated that Boll was an "insane, two-fisted rogue, and a shockingly honest one at that, someone who absolutely adores film, knows its history and truly lives for what he does."
Alexander referred to the event as "the weirdest pop culture bizarre journalism stunt I've ever been involved in." Minter also praised what he had seen of Boll's upcoming production known as Seed. Boll praised the contestants in a post fight press conference, stating "I now like the critics... Everybody who was in the ring showed guts. Nobody dived."

Ron Sparks offered to fight Boll in Vancouver as part of the Postal publicity stunt, but Boll declined, citing Sparks's age and size advantage. Sparks himself defended Boll's decision in his MySpace blog, stating that "Because Boll was fighting several boxers back to back, and putting them in his movie, he had the right to choose any opponents willing to fight him."

Electronic Gaming Monthly's November 2006 edition's "The Rest of the Crap" section, written by critic Seanbaby, described Seanbaby's own involvement. Apparently Uwe was going to appear on G4's Attack of the Show! to promote this fight by sparring with one of the hosts. He claims that, "Again, he's Uwe Boll, a matchmaking genius, because everyone on TV is 3-feet tall. If you were watching Attack of the Show! during the time I co-hosted, you might have noticed that I could have leaned over and eaten host Kevin Pereira." A producer of the show then asked if Seanbaby would come and spar in the host's place for the event. Seanbaby says that he trains in Muay Thai and jujutsu, stating that, "Boxing is to real fighting, as Hungry Hungry Hippos is to real eating..." When Uwe heard of this, he wanted to know Seanbaby's age, height, weight and fighting experience since he "learned he wasn't fighting a midget". After receiving said information, Boll chose not to appear on the program.

Subsequently, Boll survived an online petition at Petition Online asking to retire if 1,000,000 signatures were collected by May 14, 2008. Boll top that last valiant act by releasing a video stating that he is "the only genius in the whole fucking [movie] business" and that other directors such as Michael Bay and Eli Roth are "fucking retards".

And that's the story thus far. Boll is now working on a follow-up on Bloodrayne 3 and is also in the process of, why yes, the point of this story:

Director Uwe Boll is "on a mission" to recoup the money he believes he's lost as a result of illegal file sharing of his film Far Cry. Could you be next?

Through a law firm called Dunlap, Grubb & Weaver, Boll has filed a federal lawsuit against 4,577 "John Does" in a DC court, accusing them of illegal file sharing of his 2008 masterpiece, Far Cry, which incidentally is yet another brilliant adaptation of a video game.

According to one of the lady who received one such letter, Sabine, all she needs to do is to pay $1,500 by early June to resolve this or $2,500 if she delayed the payment till end June. And if she don't intend to pay at all, that could land her in a court where she might wind up owing as much as $150,000. .

So much for a master jerk at work. For more legal details and opinion for you pirates out there in panic, check out the article from Ars Technica right here. And to you guys, I have to ask why... Why Far Cry?



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